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A Definitive Directory Of All The Things Millennials Have “Killed”

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Insane as it seems, in a nature where our highest ranking public official watches four to eight hours of video a day and every male Hollywood exec has like ten assault accusations against them, millennials are still considered society’s villains.

The age-olds is endangering fast-texters and have decided the only way to take us down is to write interminable clauses about concoctions, labels, and trends we’ve “killed.” By “killed” they are only represent, events we DGAF about anymore. Sorry face-to-face speeches are abiding, Grandma.

Here is a list of my favorite things millennials have killed.

Diamonds

When millennials started swiping instead of adjudicate, diamond firms freaked out and were like who TF will buy our unethically sourced pearls ?! Frankly, we’re receiving false alarms that Hawaii is being nuked and our chairman is in a dick setting rivalry with an maniac despot across the world. That “forever” diamonds are predicting doesn’t have much significance at the moment. Likewise, have you ever seen a millennial’s bank account? They’re mainly overdraft fees caused by 2am drunk acquisitions on Amazon. Diamonds aren’t exactly on the menu.

Doorbells

Millennials are texting their friends when they roll up instead of resounding buzzers and this is hurting Baby Boomers’ impressions. This feels nitpicky and anyone who has strong experiences about buzzers and how often they are used can just chill. Plus, I’m not going to only answer the door if I don’t know who is going to be there? I think that is a shared sentimentality and coincides with the decrease in popularity of serial assassins. No need to look that up, seems undeniably true.

Napkins

Well, first of all, we aren’t buying napkins because we’re getting free cloths in our takeout containers. Duh. Second of all, we’re exploiting newspaper towels. Payment rates like 90% of my paycheck and Rihanna’s Fenty Beauty makes account for the rest of the what I expend. I don’t have the luxury to buy two different types of article makes? Napkins are over.

Cereal

HAVE[ CLAP] YOU[ CLAP] HEARD[ CLAP] OF[ CLAP] AVOCADO[ CLAP] TOAST[ CLAP ]???

Motorcycles

Millennials have “killed” motorcycles but tbh I think that’s just because we haven’t touched a midlife crisis yet. Open us like 15 times and we’re all going to buying those bad sons to rev up our lives and seem sexy again. Just be patient and those Harley auctions will spike back up. For now we will spend “peoples lives” saving on Lyft goes and then wants to know why we can’t afford luxuries like “health insurance.”

Heads up, you need to keep up with the information. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve composed a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the word of the week in a entertaining af path. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now !

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