Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: I’ve Seen Disney Movie With More Action* Betches

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We are on to week 7 of The Bachelor , and the coldest wintertime on record continues to be fueled by the lack of heat on our Television set Monday nights. However, like the game Oregon Trail, there’s no turn around, so we have to keep our eyes glued to the TV. Not because we care if Colton notes enjoy or not, but largely because we want to see how the fencing hop occurred. Let’s dive face first into occurrence 7.

Colton starts the episode with the usual Skype session with himself wondering why everyone keeps telling him that people are there for the wrong concludes. I make, do you think these girls actually want to be married? They are there to secure FabFit Fun box copes, free Coachella tickets, and nothing more. ABC realizes that it has tapped out its Amazing Race -like fund so they foreman back to the states and land in Denver. Jaywalking around the town, Colton guides into Ben Higgins at what must be enabled the soft the liberalization of the newest coffee shop in town, because no one is there. At this item, I’m thinking this is where ABC has thrown in the towel on Colton and is going to let Ben finish this season off, but to no avail. Ben pays him some last minute advice like: “Sucks talking about you! ” and then heads off to get all the medicinal weed that Colorado has to offer.

Meeting in the park with all the girls and some dog who has been repeated saying, “I didn’t sign up for all this, ” Colton spontaneously decides to take Tayshia from the group for an impromptu solo date. Colton takes her on a series of “his favorite Saturday day activities”( including Oyster eating, wine tasting, and ice cream tasting ), which gives us more revelation into his lack of sexual practice, because it’s hard to sweet talk a girl when your sigh smells like Bikini Bottom( and I mean that in the Spongebob way ).

In between wine swallows, Colton requests Tayshia about the fakeness that’s going on in the house, and Tayshia begins singing faster than Mariah Carey at an open mic. She tells Colton that Cassie and Caelynn aren’t genuine and that they’re looking at potentially being the next Bachelorette because those promotion checks are MAJOR. Colton wants to wash the reek of this news off his body, but there’s not an outdoor shower near to do so, so he and Tayshia just continue on their merry route. Later in the night, Colton and Tayshia become dinner together cooking the rice one particle at a time, and they spend more day speaking about her family, and how accepted Colton will be. Pro Tip: As long as you know how to play spades at the cookout, you’ll be accepted. Tayshia gets a rose, and now can confidently wear pajamas to the next arise ceremony.

Next Date Card Winner? Caelynn! Caelynn converges Colton atop a mountain to do a first with Colton. Get your psyche out of the trough, I’m talking about the fact that she’s never been snowboarding . Somehow gravity is losing because they’re becoming UP the mountain, but eventually they find the bottom. After getting to the cabin to show off their fly( speak: patronized) snow gear, Colton get down to the hard-boiled a matter of questioning about Caelynn’s questions. Caelynn tells him that she’s clearly trying to be there to the end because her LA apartment won’t be ready for another three weeks, so she can’t go home just yet. I think it’s important to note that lack of seeing contact Caelynn has during the entire scene prepares me was just wondering if she indeed is telling the truth. Truth be told, I’ve seen bobble psyche dolls maintain better seeing contact.

At the night component of the year( at what I think is the basement of a Cracker Barrel ), Colton continues to try to pry farther into Caelynn’s aims. Caelynn continues to get emotional because she forgotten to raising her wallet to pay her half of the legislation, and her fingernails are too pretty to be subject to dishwashing duty. Somehow Caelynn manages to cry while smiling, and Colton gobbles it up. He dedicates her the rose to stick around, predominantly because he knows she has a few more rose ceremony garbs to rock. They dissolve the night dancing alone like that one couple that refuses to leave the bar until the suns come on.

After her date, Caelynn and Cassie spend some time talking about how they’ve been singled out by Tayshia, and what various kinds of scissors are best to cut her “hairs-breadth” as retaliate. Caelynn meets Tayshia about the rumors, and Tayshia tells her ain’t no “I” in Caelynn, but there is in Tayshia and says f* ck your feelings.

Yet another one-on-one date is given out, and it goes to Hannah B. Colton being homesick, but more so the fact that he brought only one pair of throbs on this pilgrimage, he takes her dwelling to visit his parents. Colton and his poppings expend most of the time outside comparing late V’s, while Colton’s mom is indoors with Hannah, and trust me, the chicken isn’t the only thing being grilled. Colton’s mom expects the hard questions like: “What’s your ascribe rating? ” and “do you know how to fold a fitted sheet? ”

The night portion of the year is in an airfield hangar, which foreshadows that she might be closer to a flight home than she visualizes. She continues to shower Colton with accolades, but we all know the only shower he likes is outdoors with no shirt on. Colton eventually is upfront with her and tells her: “Even though you’re dressed like a princess, this won’t be a fairytale ending.” Colton tells her he doesn’t want to fly to Alabama for hometowns since the Crimson Tide lost to Clemson, so he’s going to send her home alone.

The remaining four females participate in the weirdest tournament of “Connect Four” possible. Cassie, Kirpa, Hannah G ., and Heather all go into a limo for some group date fun. They arrive at an outdoor park to see Colton show up on Thomas the Tank engine, and he scoots them away. Riding along the trails in the learn from Wild Wild West, Colton lets these girls know that he’s no longer playing games. Heather hears this and decides she doesn’t want Colton to be a witness when her father kills her for fondling a son, so she bends out.

Colton has one-on-one time with Cassie, and she meets the rumors a little better than Caelynn did. Fighting back weeps, she tells Colton that she wants to bring him residence because she has three carry-ons, and he only has one. Showing that she knows more than sign language, Kirpa speaks up to tell Colton that he needs to be careful with whom he prevents around. Cassie and Kirpa go back and forth arguing about rumors, while Hannah G. is wondering why there isn’t hummus here when she was promised some.

At the night parcel of the night, Colton immediately affords Hannah G. a rose and sends her back to the house because he doesn’t need her to witness the slaughter that’s about to happen. While this is happening, Cassie and Kirpa sit at the dinner table with the awkwardness of a man with no mouth in a pie dining contest. Caelynn( not on the year) shows out of nowhere to tell Colton to not send anyone home based on rumors, but do it based on how they search( like a true beauty queen would say ). Colton ends up following his intestine and returns the final rose to Cassie( principally because he’s hungry and she’s an excellent cook ). This means we lose Kirpa just as she was transitioning from narrator to an actual contender in week 7.

To be honest, this week was one of the most dramatic ones….but I’ve still learnt Disney movies with more action. Until next week !!

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