I have been single for many years. Some of those years were unwillingly thrust upon me, despite my greatest efforts to persuade them otherwise. Some of those times were designed by choice- after realizing that my vacate void of unworthiness was never going to be filled as long as I tried tendernes outside of myself. It was pain to so desperately want adore and adoption, and know deep down, that even though it is I received it, it would not be enough. My infinite well of unworthiness felt bottomless. I was tired of dragging others across the vast, empty areas of life my broken heart, hoping that someone would get stuck long enough to help me feel whole. I felt like a ogre, and so I sentenced myself to a life of solitude until I could mend and cleanse the battleground of my soul.
I presupposed this process would take a few months. Three years later, I was still waking up alone.
That’s the thing about learning to love yourself. There is no timeline. There is no recipe. It is not possible to proven method. You wake up every day, look yourself in the mirror, tell yourself lies you hope to actually believe someday, and you continue living. In my occasion, you continue thriving. Powerful professions, riches, magnificent clothes, vacations, incredible friends.
On paper, I knew I had every reason to love myself. But my nature pled to differ.
I went through the motions. The ones that all individuals said, “worked.”
“Focus on yourself, ” they said. “Read this notebook. Go to yoga. Cook good nutrient. Get rubs. Go on times with yourself. Meditate. Get to know yourself. Rewrite your own story. Stop looking for love, and desire will find you. Love yourself firstly, and he will come along.”
I implemented the above flawlessly, like the perfectionist I am. And I still woke up every day alone.
And therein was the lie. “Flawless.”
When I knew I was undeniably damaged.
Learning to be susceptible was like learning to swim again. I dipped a toe into the shallow filthy river, and I ogled around uneasily to see who noticed. Who would rescue me if I drowned? I began to uncovered more of my torso to the cold darkness. My rips and anguish began to blend into my surrounds. For months, the fear ate me. The isolation was heavy. My whole being felt heavy. Weak and raw, ready to be enclose by the blackness.
And then my rips deterred me afloat.
And there was I was floating on a waterbed gloom. Exposed to all the algae and dirt and slime and excrement. Swimming in it. And in the center of it all…was me. Still pristine. Still capable of stay afloat. Still capable of radiating lightness. My know-hows, my onus, my hurtings, my fears, my unforgivable options. They is still not me. They is merely its own experience I was meant to rise above.
I cannot tell you when it happened. I cannot tell you how.
But on December 31, 2017, I sat down to write this 😛 TAGEND
“In 2018, I will woo myself. I will find elegance, indulgence, sensuality, and radiant desire offered in each moment regardless of my rapport status. Because I am beautiful, and I deserves to build, create, and receive attractivenes. My worth is dependent on me and no one else. I will loosen into the flow of this world, and I will let beautiful, nostalgic things come to me. I am patient, and I know my responsibility on this world is to give my best radiant self in every moment.”
For the first time, I made every word.
I bought a brand-new dress for New Year’s Eve- general holidays I have come to dread with every part of my figure. I lit candles and played female rock carols- singing along at the top of my lungs. I danced alone. I wasted more age on my eyeshadow than I frequently would. I earmarked myself to melt into my own elegance- and swore to have a nostalgic evening regardless of who was present. Because I would be present. And that was going to be enough. I did not need anyone but myself. My whole, fallible, flawed, and full-of-life-experiences self.
That night, I fell in love.
The saying goes: “When the student is ready, the teach will appear.” I was ready to be seen. I granted myself to be seen.
And that is when he saw me.